Tag: Being Transparent

Being Transparent

On By Mona SabahIn Communication, Human Resources, Management, millennials, Trust Leadership, Uncategorized5 Comments

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There’s a trend in business today to be TRANSPARENT. An organization I have done consulting for goes as far as to have glass walls for their Executive offices so that nothing is hidden from employees. There is a sense of vulnerability there – being exposed for all to see. They can tell when you are on the phone or goofing off on the computer or simply zoning out.

With the Millennial group, the desire to be transparent shows up in church connecting groups, at work and also in friendships. They want to go deep and fast. This can be really off-putting to others who have been told that you should have a line between business and personal, between how much you share and how often. Social media has also impacted this desire to have everything be shared. When I log on to my social media accounts, there are pictures of everything – from what their cat coughed up to the latest pair of shoes they purchased. Do I need to know all that? No. Do I care about all that? Not really (especially not the cat bit). So why share all of it – what’s really behind this?

In Psychology, there is a model used for self-awareness called the Johari Window. This has degrees of what you hide and what you share. Trusting others with information you normally hide will allow you to learn more about yourself that you didn’t know or even understand.

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I did some work with a woman who was completely put together. She had a habit of fixing her make up, hair, etc before each meeting even though not a hair was out of place. Her dress and mannerisms were impeccable. To me, she looked like she stepped out of a magazine with her crisp clothes, polished manners and manicured nails. It was a bit intimidating at first to be around her. I felt like the dumpy friend that some girls take on as a benevolence project to help them become more socialized.

As we worked together more and more, on projects that took us long into the night, she began to disclose more about her hidden self. Not many people know much about her. She was sweet and kind, but had a sharp edge to her that came out now and then. One day, I mentioned to her about how immaculate she always appears and how it can be intimidating so someone who doesn’t know her. It seems like she is absolutely perfect.  She looked at me and said “I was homeless. I lived in a car with my mother until I was 8 years old.”

It blew me away!

What a confession. Still, it didn’t explain why and how she behaves and also how she got to this high paying job with an advanced college degree. She said that a woman who lived nearby noticed that there was a little girl who was always in a car when she went to work in the morning (her mom simply drove her to her work and she waited patiently in the car all day long for her to return). The woman stopped one day and asked my friend why she was not in school. She told the woman that she was waiting for her mom and gave her mom’s name. The woman went and found her mother and got them help from others, helped to place my friend in school and have some type of a home. She worked extra hard to put herself through high school and then college. The way she looked was done on purpose. It was a huge facade that she constructed so that no one else would see what she had to deal with and her past would not come up due to her credentials today.

These are the walls that we set up before us so that we don’t have to share certain things that are painful reminders of the past. Not everyone wants to be transparent. Also, being transparent doesn’t mean that you take pictures of your meal and post it online for your 500+ closest friends to see.

Real transparency comes from being AUTHENTIC. Are you who you say you are? Or are you moody, changing your behavior from one meeting to the next? Are you unpredictable to your staff or to family? Do you say you are a nice person and then chew out the cashier who puts your canned tomatoes on top of your bread? These are the things that allow someone to develop trust in others. Trust is the key to building relationships. Without consistency in who you say you are (=Open Self) and then acting in a way that’s contrary without even realizing what you are doing (= Blind Self), you may not be trusted.

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photo from Kingspeech

In business, if being transparent means not having a hidden agenda, not back-stabbing others to get what you want or throwing them under the bus for a poor decision you made, then that’s not only good but also ethical behavior. In life, sharing difficulties you might have and not just the highlights of trips, awards or other accolades to make others feel inferior might be a great way to real – to be transparent. I know that at church, we sometimes don’t share the hard things of life. We don’t share about our children dropping out of school or doing things they shouldn’t do for fear of being cast out. When we begin to let go of a little bit of the Hidden Self, you increase the window of the Open Self. That’s where you can invite others to share what might be a difficult time in their life and help them to heal from hurts.

This is something we can apply daily in our walk. Just like my friend, even though outwards we may look alright, inside we are not perfect people. Stepping away from being transparent via facebook or instagram to being authentic is a good start to building trust and enhancing all relationships. This becomes an exercise in telling the truth, in doing what is beneficial and also in helping one another see their true self – not just the mask they want to hide behind.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ~Phil 4:8-9

Invitation

On By Mona SabahIn Bible, Business, Communication, culture, Diversity, Islam, Public Speaking, Uncategorized3 Comments

 

I had a chance two years ago to see Author Nabeel Qureshi speak about cultural expectations. He shared a very poignant example about how a foreign exchange student came from Saudi Arabia with two suitcases full of gifts. When his roommate asked him if he had family or friends here, he replied that he didn’t know anyone in the United States, but when he was invited to their home, he would be sure to bring a gift as is customary. The worst part of Nabeel’s story is that the student returned home to Saudi Arabia with two suitcases still packed full.

Last week, I wrote about the need for Hospitality in a world full of isolated people who were focused on their technology and relied on iPhones for communication. An article on Bloomberg Business by Bruce Weinstein even coined a term way back in 2007 called “iPhone isolation.” I think that the author was way ahead of the game. There is something still said for conversation face-to-face. Even our kids are plugged in at the restaurant, in the car, or at home.  Still, the draw of personal contact, communication is present. I was at the car dealership last month to get the oil changed. A lady next to me was actually reading a book, while I crocheted. It was not a normal situation – usually in waiting rooms, everyone seems to be staring down at the glowing screen in their hand. We struck up a conversation about her book and ended up sharing phone numbers and e-mail. I love getting to know people. It’s a joy. One on one communication is falling by the wayside, but the satisfaction of getting to find out more about another person and to make a connection is wonderful. One only has to go and see that more work-related decisions are made over a round of golf or a glass of wine than in the office. There is a sense of ease, a familiarity that allows us to get out of a formal setting and into someone’s personal life.

Now, before you shake your head at me and say something like “Not everyone likes to be everyone’s friend, Mona” or like someone I know says to me in good humor “I have all the friends I need right now. If I meet someone else, I will have to bump someone out on my list of existing friends!” I understand that not everyone likes to strike up random conversations. HOWEVER, most of you reading this article do have a circle of intimate friends and then others in the periphery. What I am asking for is to reach out those in the periphery – get to know them more than just in passing at the water cooler at work, at the kids’ school or soccer game, or even at church.

Human Beings were created to be social. In fact, in the book of Genesis, it states “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'” Genesis 2:18 I do think this is one of the reasons so many men become more isolated than women. Women have a natural tendency to be a “helper” to one another. Men do this also, but not as much as us women. We like to socialize, to share stories and to work with one another.

I taught at the State of Oklahoma about Cultural Diversity in November 2015. The class was very diverse in make-up and we had several individuals who had either visited foreign countries or were immigrants. I posed a few questions to the immigrants:

  • When was the last time your colleague asked you about your family or children?
  • When was the last time you received an invitation to share a cup of coffee or tea with someone American?
  • When was the last time you received an invitation to their home?

A man from China raised his hand and his answer made me so very sad. He said that this training was the first time that anyone had asked about his home or family. He had NO invitations to have a cup of tea or coffee – not even at Starbucks or a coffee shop. He has lived here for 8 years and has had NO invitations to come to someone’s home – not even an invitation from his neighbor.

I then asked if he has extended the invitation to others. He smiled and said yes. He said it was a part of his culture to do so but no one has the time to visit him. He stayed after the class and we chatted for a bit (yes, of course I invited him to come and meet my family!). It was one of those things that stays with you. There is a sadness in the world that is caused by us living in bubbles. We drive in our little bubble and wave quickly to neighbors. We come into the office and sit in our little bubble of a desk. We stay in that bubble at lunch with our phones. We then drive back home in the bubble and quickly close the garage door in case a neighbor wants to talk or worse, complain. Why don’t we pop that isolation bubble and go make a new friend or go deeper in a relationship with someone you might be thinking of right now? I think you might be surprised at the blessings you will receive! If you reach out and extend that Invitation to join you in conversation, a cup of coffee or even dinner, let me know how it turns out for you. I think we truly can change our culture one Invite at a time.

 

 

HospitaliTEA – Why Southern Hospitality is a Thing of the Past

On By Mona SabahIn cultural diversity, culture, Family, Jesus Christ, Uncategorized11 Comments

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Some of my earliest memories are of celebrating Eid in Saudi Arabia. We would put on our best clothes, grab sweets and small presents and go from house to house, celebrating with friends. The same traditions continued when I moved to Pakistan and to the United Arab Emirates. People were always coming and going from our home. It was a very warm and welcoming place. My mother, an impeccable hostess, always had hot tea, delicious snacks and beautiful china ready to go in case someone happened to drop by.

When we moved to the United States, however, these visits were far less frequent. Many Pakistanis came to our home from our community, but we really did not receive invitations to dine at American people’s homes. This sentiment is echoed by others who are foreigners or even are people of other ethnicity who live here.

When I bring it up to people, many look at me wistfully and then tell me that stopping by a friend’s home for a cup of tea went away in the 1950’s. It is old-fashioned and just not done anymore – kind of like writing in cursive or sending a letter with a stamp on it.

Those who know me, know that I have a love of all things old. I love Victorian England and all the things that go with it. I like the fussiness of proper manners, correct grammar, and the idea of long dresses with rows of buttons. I like the slower pace of life and even the old European tradition of calling cards and paying calls on friends. If I mention this out in public today, people tell me to go to Wal Mart to get a calling card (as if I am getting ready to call international long distance) or paying calls (no one even knows what it means to pay a call, other than your phone bill at the end of the month).

At my family’s home, there is a long-standing tradition of tea time at 4:00 pm. I have mentioned this in my post about the concept of time in other cultures. This is something I have held onto all my life. Even today, my friends know that around 4:00 pm, there I will be sitting at my kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea. I also know that around the same time daily, I can find my parents doing the same thing across the United States. It’s a tradition and it is so soothing – like a cool oasis in the middle of the desert.

Even when I worked full time, I would stop what I was doing and make a quick cup of tea at 4:00 pm. My co-workers began to join me  in this tradition because nearly everyone experiences a mid-day slump around that time. It makes the rest of the day go by exceedingly fast.

A cup of hot tea has a wonderful soothing property to it. There is nothing like making a little pause in the middle of one’s day to STOP everything and just take a small breather to drink tea. It is a refined tradition and one I love to pass on to my friends. I have had the chance to make real friendships, make a connection and share my home with many. Some of these people I have known for a long time. Others may be people I have just met once or twice.

People are generally surprised at the offer of coming over to my home for a spot of tea. I am met usually with a smile of surprise. It is much more common to get together at Starbucks or somewhere else. Hospitality, along with a cup of tea has also gone by the wayside. When I ask women why that is the case, many tell me that they feel pressure to have their home “just right.” With three children, I find myself wondering when that day might come! I don’t think we have had our home looking “just right” since the day we moved in. If I waited around for that very day, I shudder to think of all the beautiful conversations, the tears of sorrow, the new friendships and renewing of old friends I would have missed out on.

In the Bible, there is mention of hospitality being a part of the new church in Acts. In fact, there is a passage that I think of often “And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts… ~Acts 2:46“ So many Christians close off their homes to others, citing one reason after another. Even though I have entertained many people in our home, an invitation in return to come to other people’s homes is still sparse. Is it an indication  of some who are uncomfortable to see our personal life and  living space – to not be able to “come as you are.”

When you come to my home, you will see my daughter’s toys around the fireplace in our living room. You will sometimes see a pile of freshly washed laundry being sorted. You will see my jewelry tools and beads scattered about on the kitchen island. It’s not perfect, but then neither am I. I see this as a sort of ministry (yes, to have a messy home – not dirty, but messy!). I have had women tell me that seeing my house as it is makes them want to invite someone over and not have that pressure to have it looking like a model home.

If we keep wearing masks, we miss out on endless opportunities. There is something freeing about “come as you are.” There is something authentic about people seeing your home with dishes in the sink. There is something genuine about reaching across the table and sharing a plate of cookies with a steaming cup of hot tea. The Bible teaches Christians to open their homes as a sacrificial way to love others. It is such a simple way  to promote UNITY in the Church and is a wonderful way to build relationships for Evangelism.

May we be like the early church share our home with others. May we have open hearts, open doors and open invitations to others. May we comfort others as God comforts us. Amen.

P.S. Yes, consider this as an open invitation to join me at my house for a cup of tea!