Category: Communication

The Fearful Art of Negotiation

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, conflict, Human Resources, Management, women

According to Wikipedia and also the Merriam Webster dictionary, the word Negotiation comes to us from the Latin “Neg” = no (or negative) and “otsia” which means “leisure” or “free time.” The meaning was that businessmen had no free time for nonsense. I speak Spanish fluently and know that “negocio” is the Spanish term for “business!” So that is what the old world verbiage for denoting a businessman or woman.

I think it’s important to know where words come from and I spend a lot of time figuring out word origins – maybe it’s because English was actually the 3rd language I learned! 🙂

When you think of the term “Negotiation” in light of the definition, it shouldn’t seem too scary. YET, many business colleges and also Inc magazine, Forbes magazine and Harvard Business say that negotiations is one of the key skills many college students are missing and are fearful of.

So why is that?

The answer may be found in another word “Fear.”

Fear can come from many different places. For the women I have spoken to over the past, their fear simply lies in the lack of perception or abilities. They were never taught how to handle business without letting emotions get in the way. For me, that was NEVER the case! 🙂 Easterners learn that if you don’t haggle over every single thing in your life, you haven’t done your work. It’s not personal… in fact, it’s a big game to see who wins the most.

My dad taught me how to haggle at the markets when I was a young girl growing up in the Middle East. Haggling by men and by women is simply an expectation. If you pay full price for something, they look at you weird because you are not playing the game with them. When I moved to the United States, I was surprised to find out that some people have never haggled over the price of their automobile, their home, at garage sales or flea markets! 

My friends started taking me with them so that I could help train them the way I had been trained. Haggling is not rude. Haggling involves not being emotionally connected to whatever it is you were buying. So, how does that principle apply to the workplace?

There are many missed opportunities for negotiations. Not just in determining your salary but also your job opportunities. There are opportunities for negotiations in conflict resolution and also peace-making. There are Diplomats who work for Foreign Affairs who do this for a living! It takes some preparation (yes, you have to do your homework) and also knowledge of what you want (=goal) and what the other person may want (= realistic outcome). ASKING for what you want is 50% of the battle! Once you get that out there, it actually doesn’t take much more to get to the outcome. However, a part of the realistic outcome is being able to accept the answer “NO.”

What are some fears we need to address?

First is the Fear of Rejection – What if they don’t like me? What if they say NO?

If they say no, it’s not the end of the world. I tell my kids that the answer is already no, so if you ask, you have more of an opportunity to hear a yes! It’s the glass half-full vs half-empty. If you don’t even ask, there is zero opportunity to find out if you can or cannot do something or have something. When I worked at Campbell Soup, I was miserable in my entry level position (I had been there for a year and did not care for the redundant job). When a supervisor position opened up, I jumped at the opportunity to apply. I didn’t even get an interview for this internal position! I asked the head of HR what happened and they told me I didn’t qualify. So, I asked what I needed to do to qualify. He sent me to get some supervisory skills training, which I got done quickly. Another position came up. This time, I applied and got an interview, but did not get the position. I went to the hiring manager of the department and told him that I had applied for a position twice now and was obviously not qualified. I asked him what I needed to do and then I spent another 6 months gaining those skills. Guess what? The next time the position opened, I applied and got it. Then the next, then the next. The manager told me that none of the others who had been turned down asked him how to improve themselves or what they wanted.

You will get rejected. Get over it. It’s not the end of the world.

The second big fear is getting emotional (or anxious, or insecure, or afraid).

When you think of negotiations as business, it should take the scare factor out. Much of anxiety or insecurity comes from a lack of preparation. When negotiating salary, there needs to be research done. Present the facts. There shouldn’t be an emotional appeal or need to get upset or even angry at the other person. Dealing in business is about money and money is math. If you can present the facts in terms of numbers, you can negotiate anything – from garage sales to your salary!

Think about it. The bottom line in negotiations is win-win. The other person should have some stake in it as well. It’s not about steam-rolling the other person down with your skills – I don’t like negotiations like that. They should be respectful but firm. You need to clearly state your case. What is it you want and why? What’s in it for the other person? By the way, you are not the first (or last) person who will ask for these things. If the initial answer is no, try again. Try to ask questions as to what are they looking for?

Another recommendation is to practice negotiations. You can do a role play with a friend (if it is something you want to buy, like a car), or better yet, real life situations like garage sales. These people don’t know you. Chances are they will never see you again. As long as you are not being rude, there are many people who will be glad to negotiate on prices with you. There are other places that are also open to negotiations, like your TV provider, cell phone plan, real estate fees, any hotel, etc.

Again, do your homework to see what is “reasonable,” plan & jot down some notes, and practice. You might be surprised at how easy and (do I dare to say?) enjoyable it is!

7 Essential HR Skills – Do You Have Them All?

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, cultural diversity, Diversity, Human Resources

Lately, I’ve been asked by my Undergraduate Business students about what I consider to be the most important skills to get into the Human Resources field.  There are a variety of things to consider when looking for a career change or entry into HR. It is a wide and complex part of an organization. However, I do believe that in my 20+ years of HR practice and teaching, there are 7 essentials for any HR professional.

In most organizations, there are job descriptions that state what’s necessary for a position. Candidates come for the interview process and list off their attributes. For those who have been practicing in the field, some of these skills may be out of date or worse – nonexistent! Let’s see how many of these you have or might need to brush up on:

  1. Agility – The idea of Change Management has been around for some time, but with increasing technology, politics, HR law, and trend, the landscape can change quickly. The HR professional needs to not just keep on the cutting edge, but ahead of the learning curve. There are trends and fads that may or may not be good for the organization. Human Resources is the change agent and also the gatekeeper for what would work and what may not be something to follow.
  2. Globalization – I had the chance to do consulting work for a large corporation a couple of years ago. When I was discussing their overall business vision, I said the word “globalization” and the executives said that they were a national company, without any offices overseas. One does not need to have a physical structure in another country in order to see the effects of globalization. There are many things happening in the world that affect us right here in the United States. Human Resources not only needs to bring these effects to light, but also should have an understanding of the impact it can have on local business.
  3. Diversity – The first two points naturally lend themselves to this third skill of Diversity. With the changes globalization bring to the United States, managing diversity of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, age and disability is key. The HR professional needs to be able to manage not only across departments, but across culture!
  4. Advocacy – In my experience, HR does not tend to do a good job in this arena. I do not find many who can be an employee advocate and also be an advocate for management. Many times, I find HR choosing one side or another, leaving hard feelings on both sides. I believe that Human Resources should truly act as a third party liaison for both sides, being able to bring peace in negotiations and handling difficult situations for employees and leadership.
  5. Conflict Resolution – Again, this skill works in tandem with the ones mentioned above. Allowing Human Resources to act as a true “resource” for the organization will go a long way towards problem solving and increasing employee engagement. Conflict resolution skills should not only be taught to others by HR, but also practiced daily through diplomacy.
  6. Strategic Planning – One of the most important things I learned during my time with the Campbell Soup Company was how HR should work with the corporate offices as a Strategic Partner. Human Resources was directly involved in the creation of the 5 year business plan, succession plan, and ensuring the vision, mission, and management objectives were clear. Key Performance Indicators help the entire organization to be aligned and held accountable for productivity through Performance Management systems.
  7. Business Acumen – Early in my Human Resources career, I had an opportunity to take a course in my Master’s program on ROI – Return On Investment. I learned quickly that HR is not there just to throw birthday and retirement parties, but we must have quantifiable knowledge of how human capital impacts the bottom line. Being able to grasp and relate the cost of a vacant position; the cost of attrition, recruiting, training, productivity values, and overtime can make or break a company.

I hope this list was helpful. It is something I have personally gleaned from decades of experience and hope to pass it on to those who might be considering a career in Human Resources or simply want to know what are the industry trends. Human Resources is a rich, vibrant area of expertise. It is extremely gratifying to know that you can impact the lives of employees and leave a legacy for those to follow.

Mona Sabah Earnest is a Human Resources Professional who has over 20 years of experience working with corporate, state, and non-profit organizations. Mona holds her Master’s degree in Human Resources Organization Development from the University of San Francisco and she teaches Undergraduate Business for several universities. She is the author or two books and is an accomplished speaker on Diversity & Inclusion.

The Cost of Unconscious Bias

On By Mona SabahIn Communication, cultural diversity, Diversity, Human Resources, Training, Uncategorized

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In May 2018, Starbucks closed up all their coffee shops in order to have “Unconscious Bias” training after the arrest of two Black gentlemen, Rashon Nelson and Donte Robinson  at a coffee shop in Philadelphia. Reports stated that the men showed up 10 minutes early to the coffee shop for a business meeting, asked for the restrooms and were told by the white employee that the facilities were for paying customers only. According to the Washington Post article, “After Nelson returned to the table where Robinson was sitting, the white manager approached them to ask whether she could help get them drinks or water.Two minutes later, she called the police to report “two gentlemen in my cafe that are refusing to make a purchase or leave.”

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Photo by Adrianna Calvo on Pexels.com

The men were so gracious that they settled with Starbucks for the token sum of ONE DOLLAR each – merely to show that their intention was to get the company to fix what was broken. As a part of the agreement, Starbucks announced it would close 8,000 stores for anti-racial-bias training on May 29. Johnson (CEO) and Schultz (chairman) met with Nelson and Robinson personally to apologize.

All this because of ONE employee… this did not need to happen.

Unconscious Bias is something we all have. It resides in the background of our brains and comes out at unexpected times and places. It may look like an extreme emotional reaction to someone or it could look like a “gut feel” to not hire someone. Either way, it’s there, lurking and unless we realize that this is something we can all fall victim to, it will not get addressed or go away.

So, how does one deal with this?

Harvard has an amazing tool that I assign to my undergraduate business students called the “Implicit Association Test (IAT).” It is free for personal use and it exists to help people realize that we all have blind spots. I get at least one student per semester who writes me a terse e-mail, telling me that they do not appreciate me pointing out that they are prejudiced. I normally reply back simply by writing back “We ALL have prejudice!” It’s good to become aware of the things that might trigger a reaction, much like the one the Starbucks employee had upon watching two African American men sit down at an empty table. I’m not excusing her behavior, I’m merely pointing out that something went terribly wrong in this exchange and it happened to revolve around the people’s race and ethnicity.

We all have physical blind spots in our optic nerve (blocks peripheral vision — that’s why we need side view mirrors on cars!), so why don’t we believe that we have mental blind spots as well? The more we encourage one another to think about matters of DIVERSITY & INCLUSION, the better off we will be as an organization and as a society.

If you’d like to know more about this topic, contact me! 🙂

HR View on Mike Pence’s Stance on Women

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, cultural diversity, Diversity, Human Resources, Jesus Christ, Management, Public Speaking, Uncategorized3 Comments

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USA Today photo

Some of you may know that I teach Human Resources (HR) and do Corporate Training. I have taught many courses including  Business Etiquette, Business Ethics, Human Resources regulations and Cultural Diversity. When I do Executive Coaching for Businesses, we discuss not only business related topics but also personal conduct in the workplace.

I try not to watch the news or read the paper. The news bothers me and I find it depressing for the most part. Yet, I find that my friends always fill me in on what’s going on as it relates to my passions. A sweet friend told me on Friday about the media frenzy surrounding Mike Pence following the Billy Graham rule about not being alone with a woman (other than his wife). This was reported first by Laura Turner of the Washington Post article here about Karen Pence and her support of her husband. The description at the start of the article is surprisingly sweet, giving examples of how Mike Pence and his wife support one another and care deeply as a faithful, married couple. It’s towards the middle of the article that raises questions about the current times, stating “But colleagues and employees engage in a relationship between grown-ups who ought to be able to have an appropriate work-related conversation or a meal together” [bold & italics mine]. True, if we all could get along, then maybe people who are grown-ups wouldn’t sue one another or talk about each other behind their backs either. The very next line gets to the heart of the matter “Affairs start in secrecy, and to guard against them is good.” This is why Billy Graham started his rules – so that all he did was out in the open. As an Evangelical Pastor on the global stage, he had to protect himself and guard against things that could be misconstrued by others.

I am shocked at the media backlash this has garnered. Given the amount of lawsuits served up in the HR field, male and female relationships in the workplace are tenuous. For people in higher positions, this can mean being at further risk for workplace lawsuits and also personal lawsuits. For example, I generally advise managers to keep the door ajar when doing performance reviews (good or bad ones – doesn’t matter) so that employees will not charge them with duress or false imprisonment. Before you balk at that, there have been cases where someone of the opposite sex claimed both sexual harassment and also duress during a closed-door performance review. She stated that her male boss made inappropriate comments to her, said that he would raise her ratings for sexual favors and then wouldn’t let her leave because the door was closed (not locked, but simply closed). He denied all accusations, he was well-respected by his staff, but the company settled the case out of court because they did not want to go through the expense of fighting he said/she said in public.

The same holds true for lunch time conversation or long car trips. Why put yourself into that position with someone of the opposite sex? Why not invite someone else to go with you? My recommendation is always this: if you are a female in a position of authority and you want to invite a male to lunch to discuss something, have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria, where others can publicly see you and you are accessible. Do not go to another location outside of work by yourselves. Invite another person to go. This way, if there is an accusation of wrongdoing, at least you have another witness present.

I believe that both Billy Graham and Mike Pence are both correct on this issue, not just from a religious viewpoint that honors and protects their spouse and marriage but also from a secular, business viewpoint. Placing yourself into a situation that can cause doubts and show favoritism can cause tongues to wag in the workplace. This is a great way to invite lawsuits. I’m not the only one with this viewpoint. In a blog  titled “When Genders Matter” by Molly Donovan for The Muse, the same idea is supported. It’s not just a matter of male and female anymore either. The same principle holds true for transgender and LGBT orientation. The person across from you could be another female who may make sexual advances towards you as a female boss. It could be a male employee having lunch with a gay manager who might make inappropriate advances.

In this day and age, it’s good to error on the safe side. Yes, you may offend people when you leave the door slightly open. Yes, you may offend people when you ask for someone else to join you on the one hour drive to the client meeting. However, at the end of the day, you may find that it’s a bit easier to sleep at night knowing that you are not crossing the lines or sending out messages that could be misinterpreted by others.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and profound insight, 10 so that you can discern what best, that you may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.… Philippians 1:9-11

As Christians, we are held to a higher standard by God. We are to look towards Christ and not allow ourselves to be placed in situations that may mar our witness. May we choose to err on the side of caution and use the Holy Spirit’s gift of discernment to conduct ourselves in a way that’s stated in Philippians 4:8 ~ “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. ”

Think about how the world will perceive you when you go out for lunch or go for drinks with that ONE female employee after work. Think about what that does to your reputation (man or woman) in the workplace. Think most of all about what message that is sending out about you as a child of God. Mike Pence is suffering from media backlash, but from the examples given about his daily choice to not be alone with women, his witness as a Christian man is to be blameless in his interactions with others. May we all strive to focus on what God wants and not what the world wants. Amen.

Let’s Talk – Personality & Style

On By Mona SabahIn Communication, conflict, Family, Human Resources, Management, millennials, Teaching, Training, Uncategorized

 

My husband & I are Marriage Mentors. We developed the Marriage Mentoring Ministry at our last church and by the grace of God, are helping to create a new Marriage Ministry at our new church. It is an amazing blessing to work with couples who are either seriously dating, are engaged to be married or are newly married. We are NOT counselors, nor do we give advice. This is how mentoring differs from other things. More on that later in another post.

I have taught Business Communication for Undergraduate Business schools since 1997 – coming up on 20 years! Much of what works well for the workplace can and does work well for the home. It’s just that we tend to be more polite to those we work with than those with whom we live. It’s a fact. Familiarity adds to the casualness with which we approach relationships that are close to us. While we take care to watch our words at work, it doesn’t always happen to me at home. I am mostly talking about myself here… I don’t want to point a finger at you because when I do that, I know that four other fingers are pointing back at me (in my case, that is literally true, as I have one husband and three kids! Ha! Ha!).

I taught a Conflict Resolution course earlier this week to College Interns. They were absolutely NOT interested in the session or me, until I asked them how many of them were in a relationship. Most raised their hands and that’s when they got connected into the topic. Sometimes, we think that this stuff we are learning at work does not apply to anything other than work. When you can link things at work to home, that’s where learning becomes valuable and memorable to others.

Talking to others about personal matters is not easy. In the study of Conflict Resolution, I usually start off the session by asking them to think about how conflicts were handled in their home when they were growing up. Did their parent(s) yell? Were they passive aggressive or always trying to keep the peace? These behaviors can definitely influence how you react to conflict.

 

There are several ways you can approach conflict resolution – I also wrote about conflict & perspectives in my blog titled “Bridges, Balconies, & Burquas“. The first is to know your behavioral style. Most inventories (DiSC, Myers Briggs, Jungian, etc) are based on two dimensions: Task & People (horizontal axis) and Direct & Indirect (or in the figure, Outgoing/Reserved). There are free online tests you can take (& I encourage you to take them!) to find out how you fall into these quadrants. No matter what you take, the main questions are:

  1. Do you tell people directly how you feel about certain things or do you beat around the bush in order to spare feelings?
  2. Does interaction with others (maybe 20 min or more of talking) energize you or leave you making a mental laundry list of all the things you needed to get done in that time you just spent?

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Answers to those questions will allow you to figure out which side you land on – if you are energized with interactions with others, you will fall near to the “I” and the “S” side. If you are not, then “D” & “C” are more your style. If you are direct, you will go towards the top half of the circle and if indirect, then “C” & “S” may be more like you. Nothing is etched in stone, but knowing how you like to be approached is a good start to communicating with others.

Lack of Communication is one of the top reasons for divorce in a marriage. It is also one of the main reasons why employees leave (1. My boss & I didn’t get along OR 2. My co-workers & I didn’t see eye to eye). That’s it. It’s really that simple. When we start to see where someone might fall into the style spectrum, it’s easier to understand that them being quiet doesn’t mean they don’t like you – it simply means they are processing information & are being Contemplative! In other words, they are actually taking the time to think about what you just said! How many times do we misunderstand what we just saw in another person and shake our heads? The answer: I just did it today! 🙂

So, before you decide to say “Let’s Talk” to someone, you may want to consider how they like to be approached, how they view the world (=differently than you) and also what you may need to do in order to come to a good resolution. If we thought things through on a daily basis, maybe we wouldn’t waste so much energy in assuming a negative situation. The Bible says “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.(NASB – Philippians 4:8). That is a great place to start. In addition, Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” When you watch your words and think for just a second before you speak, it can make a complete difference in the way you approach others and in return, how others approach you.

If you would like to learn more about the DiSC assessment or any of the things I wrote about, I would love to hear from you!

Being Transparent

On By Mona SabahIn Communication, Human Resources, Management, millennials, Trust Leadership, Uncategorized5 Comments

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There’s a trend in business today to be TRANSPARENT. An organization I have done consulting for goes as far as to have glass walls for their Executive offices so that nothing is hidden from employees. There is a sense of vulnerability there – being exposed for all to see. They can tell when you are on the phone or goofing off on the computer or simply zoning out.

With the Millennial group, the desire to be transparent shows up in church connecting groups, at work and also in friendships. They want to go deep and fast. This can be really off-putting to others who have been told that you should have a line between business and personal, between how much you share and how often. Social media has also impacted this desire to have everything be shared. When I log on to my social media accounts, there are pictures of everything – from what their cat coughed up to the latest pair of shoes they purchased. Do I need to know all that? No. Do I care about all that? Not really (especially not the cat bit). So why share all of it – what’s really behind this?

In Psychology, there is a model used for self-awareness called the Johari Window. This has degrees of what you hide and what you share. Trusting others with information you normally hide will allow you to learn more about yourself that you didn’t know or even understand.

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I did some work with a woman who was completely put together. She had a habit of fixing her make up, hair, etc before each meeting even though not a hair was out of place. Her dress and mannerisms were impeccable. To me, she looked like she stepped out of a magazine with her crisp clothes, polished manners and manicured nails. It was a bit intimidating at first to be around her. I felt like the dumpy friend that some girls take on as a benevolence project to help them become more socialized.

As we worked together more and more, on projects that took us long into the night, she began to disclose more about her hidden self. Not many people know much about her. She was sweet and kind, but had a sharp edge to her that came out now and then. One day, I mentioned to her about how immaculate she always appears and how it can be intimidating so someone who doesn’t know her. It seems like she is absolutely perfect.  She looked at me and said “I was homeless. I lived in a car with my mother until I was 8 years old.”

It blew me away!

What a confession. Still, it didn’t explain why and how she behaves and also how she got to this high paying job with an advanced college degree. She said that a woman who lived nearby noticed that there was a little girl who was always in a car when she went to work in the morning (her mom simply drove her to her work and she waited patiently in the car all day long for her to return). The woman stopped one day and asked my friend why she was not in school. She told the woman that she was waiting for her mom and gave her mom’s name. The woman went and found her mother and got them help from others, helped to place my friend in school and have some type of a home. She worked extra hard to put herself through high school and then college. The way she looked was done on purpose. It was a huge facade that she constructed so that no one else would see what she had to deal with and her past would not come up due to her credentials today.

These are the walls that we set up before us so that we don’t have to share certain things that are painful reminders of the past. Not everyone wants to be transparent. Also, being transparent doesn’t mean that you take pictures of your meal and post it online for your 500+ closest friends to see.

Real transparency comes from being AUTHENTIC. Are you who you say you are? Or are you moody, changing your behavior from one meeting to the next? Are you unpredictable to your staff or to family? Do you say you are a nice person and then chew out the cashier who puts your canned tomatoes on top of your bread? These are the things that allow someone to develop trust in others. Trust is the key to building relationships. Without consistency in who you say you are (=Open Self) and then acting in a way that’s contrary without even realizing what you are doing (= Blind Self), you may not be trusted.

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photo from Kingspeech

In business, if being transparent means not having a hidden agenda, not back-stabbing others to get what you want or throwing them under the bus for a poor decision you made, then that’s not only good but also ethical behavior. In life, sharing difficulties you might have and not just the highlights of trips, awards or other accolades to make others feel inferior might be a great way to real – to be transparent. I know that at church, we sometimes don’t share the hard things of life. We don’t share about our children dropping out of school or doing things they shouldn’t do for fear of being cast out. When we begin to let go of a little bit of the Hidden Self, you increase the window of the Open Self. That’s where you can invite others to share what might be a difficult time in their life and help them to heal from hurts.

This is something we can apply daily in our walk. Just like my friend, even though outwards we may look alright, inside we are not perfect people. Stepping away from being transparent via facebook or instagram to being authentic is a good start to building trust and enhancing all relationships. This becomes an exercise in telling the truth, in doing what is beneficial and also in helping one another see their true self – not just the mask they want to hide behind.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ~Phil 4:8-9

No Thanks

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, cultural diversity, Trust Leadership, Uncategorized, Work10 Comments

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Good Day Turned Bad

I was in such a good mood, humming a tune to myself when a truck wanted to be let in on the side of the road. I waited patiently, smiled and signaled with my hand to go ahead. The dude didn’t say anything, jammed out and then slammed his brakes in front of me, almost causing a wreck.

I don’t know what upset me more – his crazy driving or the fact that he did not follow proper driving etiquette. When someone motions you to go ahead, you should always give a little wave or even a smile or something to acknowledge the good deed you just did… right? I thought everyone knew that! Apparently, Mr. Driver of Chevy Silverado did not know anything about this nor did he care.As we drove along to the next traffic light, it occurred to me that good manners might be a thing of the past and that the word “THANK YOU” is also a relic that I am desperately hanging on to.

In a recent training workshop, I asked the group for non-monetary ways to motivate employees. Recognition came up towards the top, but many didn’t know how to recognize people without making a big production. My suggestion of a thank you note caused a reaction. My questions to the group were “When is the last time you got a thank you from someone?,” “When was the last time you got a hand written note from someone?,” “When was the last time you received a thank you note in the mailbox with a stamp on it?” The last question is the one that caused many to put their hands down.

Saying “THX” on a text might be a start, but it doesn’t do anything for someone. Spelling out “Thank you” on an e-mail is better, but it’s still informal. There is something about paper. There is something about seeing handwriting on a sheet of paper and being able to receive it the old fashioned way. I received a folded up sheet of paper with a hand written note from an employee at Campbell Soup once. He worked in the Tomato Operations plant and there was a small smudge on the top of the note with a piece of tomato on it. It wasn’t disgusting, but so very sweet! To take out the time to find a sheet of paper (hard to do out on the manufacturing floor), take a pen, jot down something thoughtful (one line of what he was thanking me for) and then to fold it up & leave it on your desk. Such an effort, that years later, I still appreciate it. Also, just so you know. I KEEP all my hand-written thank you’s. I am a romantic and love to recall affirmations. It’s sweet to go through and see how you may have impacted someone’s life or just made their day a bit brighter.

A couple things on creating a thankful culture: write a note immediately! I jot down a few things on the back of a receipt for the server, along with a nice tip for service. Keep a small notepad and pen handy in your car. I even have blank thank you cards with envelopes in my car for people.thank-you-note

If you are at work, try dropping off a hand-written card on a person’s desk but don’t discount the heartfelt thank you that is written on a paper napkin or a grocery sack. These are the things that help to make the day a bit better and seem more civil. Someone told me that the thank you notes and personal hand written notes have restored their sense of connection to coworkers.  We are all in this together… so why not do something unexpected and out of the ordinary for someone?

By the way, if someone forgets to thank you, don’t worry too much about that also. It’s helpful to me to remember that we get our thanks in Heaven and should not expect it from mankind (Luke 6:35). It’s not easy to do, especially when you feel like you went out of your way to do something nice for someone, but unless we take the first step in acknowledging, appreciating and serving others – the culture will not change. In fact, it will get worse. This is why I  really did I forgive that man who jumped in and then added insult to injury (that’s why I cropped out his license plate out of the picture! Ha ha!) and then I was prompted to think about what can I do to change some of these things that I see in business and in daily life. I hope that you will also take the time to pass on a small kindness to someone today.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32

Unbelievable – Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, conflict, cultural diversity, culture, Diversity, Human Resources, Jesus Christ, LOVE, Teaching, Uncategorized2 Comments

“Why can’t we all get along?” This is the cry I hear from people who want to talk about cultural diversity, religion, management or anything else I happen to be speaking. Many times it’s exactly these individuals who are the ones who don’t really want to get along with another. If there was an issue – maybe it’s them who was causing it? A better question to ask then is “What’s stopping you from getting along with someone else?” or “Why aren’t you getting along with others?” Of course, those are harder questions to ask and to have answered, so we end up speaking in generalities about groups instead of individuals.

This is the situation I found myself in last weekend. The issue proposed to me by someone close to me was “Why do you talk about sensitive matters? Why do you have to present a direct contrast between Islam and Christianity? Why do you have to blog about it and why do you have to address audiences about this?”

In my professional background in the realm of Human Resources, that’s all I deal with: sensitive matters. Human Resources professionals deal mainly with issues of employment, hiring, firing. With Diversity, matters of age, race, gender, ethnicity and religion are constantly being brought up by organizations. It’s what I am paid to talk about. I understand very clearly that it makes many people nervous and downright angry to talk about some of these things.

The media and our society today has done a great job defining what is okay to talk about and what is not okay. In my line of work, I deal with the fact that people cannot leave their religion behind while they work 9 to 5, nor can they ignore their age and any discrimination that may come with that or sex, or ethnicity. That’s the reason why I make it my life’s passion and work to talk about it, write about it and live it out.

I love talking about God. I don’t like or want to leave him in the car while I go to a meeting or discuss a subject matter at a corporate meeting or even at a public university. He is a large part of my story, my background, my calling to speak and also He influences every decision I make. I am not able to separate out my religion from my career or family. The person in question found this to be UNBELIEVABLE. I am not sure if she found it to be unbelievable that I place my trust in God for all these matters or that I will not stop talking about Him.

Political Correctness has done more harm than good. Dale Carnegie said “seek first to understand and then be understood.” Why then do we say we will just not talk about all the things that are protected by the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission (EEOC), such as race, age gender, ethnicity & religion? We take the things of the workplace and apply them to our everyday life, missing opportunities to see how other people believe, how they live, what is their background and what makes up the content of their character.

It’s beautiful to be able to live in a country that allows for freedom of speech, of expression and of religion. We are able to have a mosque, a church, a Hindu temple and a Jewish temple in the same town – even on the same block! You do not find this type of diversity in many places. It’s a rich way to learn about others’ beliefs and to help them understand your own. The key is to approach one another with respect and not tell them to stop talking. Extinguishing dialogue will lead to darkness and misunderstanding – death of relationships. It does not allow people to freely share views and present a fresh, new way to approach century-old grudges.

Since we live in a free society, why should we not utilize these hard-won freedoms that someone else died for? Why should we stop the dialogue, pretend that culture, ethnicity and religion – differing opinions don’t exist? Why not take an opportunity to open your mind, open your heart, open your ears, and open your eyes to see the beauty of diversity that exists all around you?

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May we be people who live in God’s light, sharing openly about His love, His light and the freedoms only He can bring in our life. May we share the good news of the Gospel to a hurting world that thinks this is the only reality there is.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” ~Ephesians 5: 8-11

Managing Across Cultures – A Look at Diversity

On By Mona SabahIn Business, Communication, cultural diversity, culture, Diversity, Human Resources, Management, millennials, Teaching, Trust Leadership, Uncategorized2 Comments

Yesterday, I taught a course on Cultural Intelligence for the State of Oklahoma Office of Management & Enterprise (OMES). Just as your own Intelligence Quotient (IQ) can be measured, so can your Cultural Quotient (CQ). Harvard Business Review defines it as “Cultural intelligence: an outsider’s seemingly natural ability to interpret someone’s unfamiliar and ambiguous gestures the way that person’s compatriots would.”

The biggest thing I noticed when was an immigrant to the United States is that this is such an amazing country with many cultures living side by side. Oklahoma City has a Vietnamese district of restaurants and a large grocery market. There is also a large Southeast Indian, Persian, Hispanic and of course, a rich Native American culture. The universities in the area have flourishing International Studies programs. All of these are reasons why in 2016,  Oklahoma City was named one of the nine metropolitan areas for creating an inclusive culture! Surprised? Don’t be! There aren’t many areas in the US that don’t have a cultural impact (inclusion and race). I usually tell my students that you don’t have to go further than your local Wal Mart to find the varied diversity in any US city. If you are even more curious, go to the Ethnic Food aisle at Wal Mart and see how many languages are being spoken there.

Americans don’t give ourselves credit for taking inventory of how much we already know about a particular culture. Growing up with friends from different areas, educational level, socioeconomic status and even generational differences all account for cultural diversity. However when the term “Diversity” is mentioned, we focus on black and white – we are the ones who make it about race only, missing out on the rest of the things that make diversity exciting.

One can easily measure their level of cultural knowledge by taking a Cultural Intelligence quiz online (there are several free ones available – just do a search!). It’s a quick test that takes a look at the four quadrants of Cultural Intelligence (Drive, Cognition, Meta-Cognition and Action). A high score is NOT what you are after on this test. It’s more to show you where you can improve in each area. This is the first step in developing and increasing your cultural knowledge. Application and adaptation are the next two steps.

CQ is quickly becoming a need for managers and leaders. Knowing how to work across cultures to increase productivity is KEY in any workplace or organization. It’s important to note here that the term “culture” also include generational differences. This is one of the main areas I have had to address over the last few years, as the Baby Boomer population decreases and the Millennials increase in the workplace.

The main question that arose from the Cultural Intelligence session yesterday was how far do you go to accommodate another culture before you blur the lines between who you are and the values you hold?

This is a good question to consider. It is truly based upon your own values, beliefs and also your organizational culture and beliefs. If those are in alignment, then the decision making comes easily. If they are not congruent, then there can be dissonance. As a manager, it’s very important to allow for “reasonable accommodation” for an employee’s ethnicity, religion, or other consideration. Flexible time and PTO help to give tremendous creativity on how that time is used. The issue becomes more blurry when ethics come into play. I believe it’s important to stress that when a leader focuses in on one person’s needs or issue (due to inclusion or diversity needs), that that they don’t alienate the other 99 in the office. So taking the big picture into account is a good way to start. Solving issues in a team is also another approach. This will actually allow others to learn more about the culture and do creative problem solving together. The only caveat to this is if the employee wants the issue to remain confidential, so before taking a team approach, ask employee permission.

The bottom line in any diversity or inclusion initiative is to address each employee with dignity and respect. That is a common ingredient that crosses global, ethnic, and cultural boundaries. If we stop for a minute to think about what is getting ready to come out of our mouth and take time to analyze the situation, then CQ is already at work. The knee-jerk reaction rarely works when all these factors are involved. Take a moment, think, analyze and give benefit of the doubt to the other party. That is something that will help a manager not just handle cross-cultural issues but most communication issues.

 

What is My Life Purpose?

On By Mona SabahIn Bible, Communication, culture, Family, Jesus Christ, Muslim, Uncategorized1 Comment

There are two questions I have seen people wrestle with: Who Am I? Why Am I Here? This is a common theme in the University classroom, in the business sector – especially in Human Resources or Management coaching, and in conversations around the teapot at my house. The world tells us things we should do everyday. Use this toothpaste for whiter teeth, drink this coffee to help sustain coffee plantations in South America, or wear these clothes so you can fit in with others.

I didn’t have these questions when I was growing up. Traditions in the Asian culture has parents make those decisions. They choose what school you will go to, which college you will attend, what professional degree program you will join and also who you are going to marry. It’s all planned out… nice and neat. You are told that you don’t have to worry about dating because they already have in mind a family who has a nice son. They tell you that you will probably end up making this much money because you will be a doctor, engineer or lawyer. This is not a bad thing, it’s just the way the Eastern part of the world sees things.

Of course, the problem with me was that I was NOT living in that part of the world! Even though my parents enrolled me in a college I didn’t want to go to, in a field I did not want to pursue – (they chose the school based on their Dentistry program, obviously dismissing the fact that I was scared of the Dentist). Much to my parents’ dismay, I changed my school to one that had a medical school and changed my intent from Dentistry to pre-med (I did keep my major in the Biological Sciences though, as a consolation prize). In other words, I didn’t do what I was supposed to do.

Things didn’t stop there. I ended up meeting my husband and we decided to marry. So, I didn’t go to the school they wanted, the profession they chose, and I disregarded the marriage future they chose for me, for I was to have an arranged marriage as my older sister did. After college, however, I settled in neatly to a job at Campbell Soup Company.

The first change came when the Vice President of Human Resources asked me what I wanted to do? Guess what… no one had EVER asked me that before. I was dumbfounded! I must have looked like an idiot because I told him that with my eyes open in surprise. He sat back in his chair and said “Well, have you ever thought about what you are good at or what you would like to do for work? Do you like what you are doing now?” For a person who loves to talk, I had nothing. I stared at him again. I did manage to ask him “What do you think I should do? I am willing to learn.” Apparently that was a good question because he had me look into Human Resources – a career that I adore and have done now for two decades.

None of this ever pointed to my spiritual life. This was just work and career related. Again, I was pretty clear on who I was as a Muslim (= God is the Master, you are a Slave) and what my purpose was (= to live a good life and do the five pillars so I could get into Heaven). I didn’t need to have a purpose. I just obeyed like I was supposed to… well, kind of.

I tried fasting, but would get major headaches. I tried praying five times a day, but it was really tough with holding down a full time job and two children at that time. So, even in that, I didn’t do what I was supposed to do.

What is someone’s purpose in life? Is it to get that degree?  Is it to get the next promotion or raise? Is it to get a bigger car or nicer house? Have you achieved your purpose when you have 2.5 children? I have done those things and even more (we have 3.0 kids!), but that has left me with wanting more. I really thought that getting a big home would truly satisfy me. The only thing it does is give me more rooms to clean. It sounds very ungrateful.But  I think that’s the TRUTH. I truly believe it is ungrateful to God to continue to want more than what He has provided for me. The promotions, career, home still didn’t tell me why I was created. What am I supposed to be doing? Is this all there is to life? You get in your nice car, go to your nice job, come back to your nice home and do that again over and over again?

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I think what leaves us flat is that the purpose of life has to be bigger than simply fulfilling our own desires. When you go to the Bible, you get a very clear answer for the purpose God created you. It’s in Isaiah 43:7 ~”Everyone who is called by My name, And whom I have created for My glory, Whom I have formed, even whom I have made…” This verse says we are created for one reason and one purpose: to glorify God in all we do. This seems a bit strange at first. Why shouldn’t I follow my own purpose? The answer is that you can, but by running after these transitional things, you will not be satisfied. If you look to others for your purpose, they may be contrary to your desires. If you get your purpose from doing things, you will get burned out because you are doing it on your own power and not on God’s provision for you.

I love the story of Jonah in the Bible (not just because of the whale). I love it because he chose to say “no” to God and insisted on doing his own thing. God gave him a clear purpose and marching assignment. Jonah ignored, turned away and ran off to do his own thing. THEN he got swallowed up by the whale.

It reminds me of when our oldest son was little. We would ask him to do something little like clean up his toys in his room. He said “No! I won’t do it” His refusal didn’t change our mind or outcome or anything else. It just added more time and drama to the thing we wanted and needed him to do. I think that’s how it is with us and God’s purpose. I think we sometimes know what God wants us to do and we say “No! I won’t do it” and run the other way. Other times, we try to do things on our own power like serving in the church or other ministry that we wanted to do (and not necessarily what God desired for us to do), and we burn out. We get swallowed up… just like Jonah.

So what should we do? For the Christian, purpose for our life can be narrowed down by asking God. Prayer is a wonderful way to start. It can be very simple, like “Lord, I will be obedient to your will and serve you in the way you have planned for me.” The next thing is to read and study His Word. God’s Word in the Bible is true and holy. It shines light into our life and brings comfort. God is really clear on how He has made you and what He thinks about you (see my post on Identity). Jesus told us “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” ~ Matthew 7:7. If we ask the Creator, you will be given what you are looking for. If you are searching for answers to other questions, you will find the answers in His Word. If you think that God has closed the door to reconciliation or to your dreams, knock on it. You will find that Jesus had already been standing there, patiently waiting for you.