One of the things I love best about my work and life experience is that I have had the blessing of being able to help mentor women. I love to help women succeed in education through teaching my college HR courses, helping women in business, and helping women become strong spiritually through Bible Study and discipling.

An unfortunate thread through these relationships, however, is the tendency for women to gossip about one another. In the church, I have found that sharing a “prayer request” can quickly turn into a gossip session about another sister or in the workplace, asking advice on how to handle communication issues can turn into a venting session about how someone hurt their feelings.

The truth is that everyone has some sort of an opinion about everyone else… people will talk about you at one point or another. It’s not always negative, but given the cutting nature of gossip, it usually is. In sharing the sordid tale about someone else, the chatty person does not realize that they are sharing A LOT about themselves and in the process, warning the other person that they will at some point end up talking about them as well. The person spreading the gossip does more damage to themselves than the party being talked about. I have seen this end result over and over again.

What is Gossip?

Gossip is defined as casual conversations about others that are not confirmed true. There is always a perpetrator and a victim. Psychologists say that the person who does the talking is looking to make social connections with others – kind of like the girl who pulls another one over on the playground to share a secret.

So why does Gossip exist?

Author Deborah Tannen, PhD. wrote about the phenomenon of organizational gossip decades ago. She said something that has served me well throughout my years in management and leadership. She stated that gossip exists to help fill in the gaps of missing information. What does this mean?

Let’s say there is a change happening and management is not able to really share all the details of who, what, when, where, how. In an attempt to fill in the blanks, sometimes people invent their own reality and try to solve the puzzle by guessing at the missing pieces. In reality, Gossip is usually an indicator of anxiety and fear of someone or something. Some of the rumors can be true – the anxiety can come from not knowing which pieces are half truths (= lies) and which ones are true.

At church, this is a situation that Scripture is clear about. The 9th commandment is “you shall not bear false witness.” One who engages in gossip is committing a sinful act – this is not just a one-time sin, but one that multiplies quickly through conversations. This act can tear down the church and godly relationships, thus doing damage to the body. I recently had the blessing of studying the commandment to love one another (John 13:34) and read the following passage in 1 John 4: 7-21 (ESV):

So what can you do?

Knowing and understanding what moves gossip along is the first step towards combatting the rumor mill. The first step is to help stop the train in its tracks or at least turn it in a different direction. The person who wants to spread the gossip is usually focused on the negative. Trying to present the positive is a good approach. If the person wants to talk about their issues with another person, hear them out and then point out some good traits about the other party. Encourage them to go and speak to that person face to face (these days, no one wants to do that – everyone wants to send out a quick little text that can further damage a relationship!). If they don’t want to do that, ask them why not. If the other person doesn’t know what they are doing wrong, how can they possibly improve or change their behavior?

Handling Gossip in the Church

The same type of steps need to take place in the church, except that we are indebted to our Savior even more! The Lord has forgiven us for our sins through His sacrifice on the cross. He paid the debt to God for our sake. We owe Him everything and the best way to show our love for our Savior is to show love to one another and keep His commandments… even if the other person does not deserve it! We did not deserve His sacrifice, yet He saved us for His good pleasure.

Titus 3: 1-2 states “Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, 2to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” If we understand who we are in the light of Christ and can humble ourselves, we can overcome this evil of gossip and other attacks on the church. We need to be mindful of our words, actions and deeds. If someone persists in speaking in a negative way about another, we can help to point them towards scripture and follow guidelines for repairing broken relationships from Matthew 18:15-16.

15“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

I love this quote from E. Raymon’s article:

“For example, as a pastor, someone might come to me and say, “I need to talk to you about something.” I usually reply, “Something or someone?” If they “someone.” then I say, “Did you talk to ‘someone’ yet?” I redirect them back. I don’t want to hear about someone if that someone hasn’t heard about it first.” He then goes on to advise them to take these 3 steps to help redirect the conversation: “There are three aspects of this: first to Christ, second back to the person, and third to others they have gossiped to.“

Prayer needs to be the foundation for what we do, then we need to speak to the person in love – maybe they don’t know what they are doing (or they do know and need to stop!), then the person needs to go to each person they have dished the dirt to and in humility, ask for forgiveness. These are the things that help to grow, strengthen and unify the church in love.

Time is short – whether you are at work or in the church! There are things that need to be done and idle conversations do not help that work, but truly hinder us. Be involved in the things that bring good outcomes. When someone comes to you, be prepared and ask them to stop and consider what they are saying and why – maybe equip them with this article!

I hope this will help you at work and in life.